This has been possibly the worst week of my whole life. To be completely honest I didn’t know if I would make it through. Tucker and I decided to end our two year relationship. My whole world came crumbling down. I never imagined my life without him in it. He was my best friend in the whole world and we had so much fun together. I admire him for seeing past the immediate hurt and making a decision that is for the best of us both in the grand scheme of things.
It is no surprise that I am a Christian. The moment he told me he wasn’t sure if we should continue dating, I first went bonkers and then I went to my bathroom, closed the door, turned off the lights, and prayed. I prayed, cried, worshipped, listened to recordings of prayers people have prayed over me, and cried some more. My heart felt as though it would never be okay. I’ve never felt this depth of misery. Then this indescribable peace came over me in that dark restroom. The funny thing about the Lord is He hardly ever makes sense at all. In a time like this, not much does make sense. But I knew at the very core of my soul that God was good and He would take care of me. I KNEW that he would be faithful to my heart and to the promises that He had given me. In the depth of my sorrow, I felt this odd joy. I didn’t allow myself to feel or think anything else except what I knew to be true about God. My mind is my greatest enemy and Satan would love nothing more than to take me out when I’m weakest. But thankfully, when I am weakest, HE is strongest.
Yesterday Tuck and I had the hardest conversation we’ve ever had. We held each other and cried. We sobbed actually. We promised that as soon as our hearts were healed we would pursue a friendship again. It was the most gracious break-up in the history of the world. We were both feeling the same thing…and we got to experience that together. As I pulled out of his driveway, he held on to his heart and mouthed ” I will always love you “. I know its true. We will always love each other.
I went home and my roommates were sitting in the living room waiting. Somehow they knew. They surrounded me with hugs and sympathetic shoulders as I sobbed my heart out.
I had to put everything aside for the next 5 hours because I had work. Maybe that was actually a good thing because it sort of distracted me. The guys down the street came to visit me at work to make sure I was okay. I received 4 text messages of love and encouragement during my shift.
I got in my car after work and lost it again. My tears blurred my eyes the whole way home. Again as I walked in, a roommate was there with her arms waiting for me. She said that the girls were waiting in my room. I walked in and saw pink roses, chocolate, sugar-free ice cream (They know!!), and Luke (my friend from down the street) had brought over the candle he had bought from my work (Bath and body works) with the sweetest letter. They even made my bed for me with clean sheets!
Then about 9 of us met up with some friends of mine for pizza. The whole time I was overwhelmed with so much love and support I couldn’t even handle it all. We got back home and they prayed, prophesied, loved, laughed, held, and encouraged. Guys, I have never had such amazing friends. These people are like angels from heaven. They have been endlessly patient with me through my multiple break downs. The words they have spoken to me will forever make my spirit soar.
Here I am, broken and scared and simultaneously the most happy I have ever been.
How is it that the God of the universe takes care to every detail of my heart and surrounds me with angels to remind me that God is still exactly who He said He was. Every tear I’ve shed, He has held in his palm. Every time I am at the brink of insanity, He brings me a ray of hope. That maybe I can do this. Maybe through all the storms, the clouds will part again and I will be whole once more.
I know this to be true. And when I forget, I have my angels.
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