Australia, change, & why I won’t listen to my heart

On everyday of my trip to the beautiful Melbourne & Tasmania, I would take notes in my phone whenever something memorable happened for me. I was scrolling through it and was filled again with the overwhelming magic that happened there. Words cannot express the deep connections, outrageous fun, and faith building miracles I got to experience.

For some reason, about two months before my trip, I began to feel flooded with anxiety about my life and about what I thought was true. For the first time ever I had to wrestle with these questions that I had just never thought about before. Questions about my faith and about who God was made me want to almost give up. I felt trapped and lost. Right before my trip I met with my absolutely glorious mentor and pastor who listened and spoke words of peace and encouragement.

She had no fear about any of my doubt but instead said with a perfect smile on her face,

‘I’m not worried at all. About any of it.’

She then poured into my spirit what felt like a waterfall of restoration and hope. All I needed was someone to unveil the thin fabric from my eyes so that I could see the truth: I was exactly where I needed to be and it was easy to have relationship with God. All my fears and questions seemed so much bigger than they were. I just needed someone to remind me that I was surrounded by God no matter how I felt.

 

Thus begins my most recent journey! One that has changed my life and made me feel more free than ever before.

Because I am so sensitive and ‘feely’, almost every decision in my life has been made from a place of how I feel. It just comes naturally to me. I feel like crying, so I will. I feel like going shopping, so I will. Usually it isn’t an issue, but lately I’ve realized that my feelings lie! Quite often actually! Those suckers seep through your mind and soul and tell you things like,

‘you should quit because its hard.’

or

‘God is far because you don’t feel Him’

Well frankly, I’m about fed up with boarding the feeling roller coaster. It is absolutely exhausting and it makes the people around me crazy! People always say to listen to your heart but to be honest, the heart deceives us. And in my case, my feelings come on strong…so strong that it pushes away all the deep truths that I KNOW to be reality. And because I am a powerful person, all I had to do was realize it is as easy as saying no to your feelings and yes to believing the truth.

So when someone on my trip said something that hurt my feelings I CHOSE not to get offended. I literally had a conversation with myself. I said,

“Nicole. That hurt. I acknowledge it and I’m sorry it happened. But now we are going to let it go and decide to not let it ruin your day.”

It may sound silly, but it totally worked! I recognized that I always have a choice of what will rule my life. The rest of my trip was absolutely fabulous after that. Every time I didn’t feel like doing something, I remembered the reason why I was doing it and pushed through. When I was exhausted from ministering and felt like I was the worst worship leader on the planet earth, I went to my leader and asked him to remind me of what was true. The more I did it, the more I was able to discern what was the lie and what was the truth.

Of course I am not perfect and I still fall prey to these pesky feelings, but everyday I become stronger and I am happier than I have ever been.

Here are some highlights from my trip:

We had over 400 miracles, signs, and wonders! This includes cancer getting healed, deaf ears opened, backs completely healed, nerve damage completely healed, drug addiction broken, knees being healed, churches being restored, numerous salvations, broken bones coming into alignment, and so much more! The love of God POURED over the people every place we went and it was such a privilege to be a part of it.

I taught a 4 year old little girl how to pray for people and we walked around the church service while she laid her chubby hands on people and said, ‘3, 2, 1 be healed!’ It was killer!

I got to lead worship again for the first time in 8 months!!

A girl at a high school came up to me and asked if I could pray for her back to be healed and wound up receiving her prayer language, weeping under the presence of God, and telling me that for the first time in so long she felt close to God again.

The first day we got to Tasmania, there were 3 girls that got completely healed of back pain (one of which had been stabbed 2 months earlier). Five minutes after we had left them, 2 of the girls chased us down and wound up accepting Jesus in their hearts and were full of hunger for the kingdom!

I received an invitation to go around the world for 6 months in a yacht for FREE with a beautiful couple from Melbourne!!

We went to the beach

We made incredible connections and friends!

These are just a few things that happened in only 14 days of being there….Australia was fabulous and I am SO glad I got to go! (Except for the jet lag that lasted 4 days. Dear heavens I felt like I was going crazy from my funky sleep schedule!)

In 4 days I am going to Georgia with my boyfriend for spring break to visit my future University and see my new home for the first time! God has been so good to me…I feel so blessed to be here and be surrounded by the absolute best people constantly pushing me to be all that I can be.  I have only a couple more weeks until this year comes to a close and I go back to LA for the summer.

So for now, maybe think twice next time you hear or feel something that is negative or icky…maybe take a minute before you just ‘listen to your heart’. Definitely travel to Australia if you get the chance, and whenever you are down- find someone you admire to talk to. Lastly, always be ready for change and for greatness, you deserve it!

With all the love in my heart,

R

Mourning

This has been possibly the worst week of my whole life. To be completely honest I didn’t know if I would make it through. Tucker and I decided to end our two year relationship. My whole world came crumbling down. I never imagined my life without him in it. He was my best friend in the whole world and we had so much fun together. I admire him for seeing past the immediate hurt and making a decision that is for the best of us both in the grand scheme of things.

It is no surprise that I am a Christian. The moment he told me he wasn’t sure if we should continue dating, I first went bonkers and then I went to my bathroom, closed the door, turned off the lights, and prayed. I prayed, cried, worshipped, listened to recordings of prayers people have prayed over me, and cried some more. My heart felt as though it would never be okay. I’ve never felt this depth of misery. Then this indescribable peace came over me in that dark restroom. The funny thing about the Lord is He hardly ever makes sense at all. In a time like this, not much does make sense. But I knew at the very core of my soul that God was good and He would take care of me. I KNEW that he would be faithful to my heart and to the promises that He had given me. In the depth of my sorrow, I felt this odd joy. I didn’t allow myself to feel or think anything else except what I knew to be true about God. My mind is my greatest enemy and Satan would love nothing more than to take me out when I’m weakest. But thankfully, when I am weakest, HE is strongest. 

Yesterday Tuck and I had the hardest conversation we’ve ever had. We held each other and cried. We sobbed actually. We promised that as soon as our hearts were healed we would pursue a friendship again. It was the most gracious break-up in the history of the world. We were both feeling the same thing…and we got to experience that together. As I pulled out of his driveway, he held on to his heart and mouthed ” I will always love you “. I know its true. We will always love each other. 

I went home and my roommates were sitting in the living room waiting. Somehow they knew. They surrounded me with hugs and sympathetic shoulders as I sobbed my heart out.

I had to put everything aside for the next 5 hours because I had work. Maybe that was actually a good thing because it sort of distracted me. The guys down the street came to visit me at work to make sure I was okay. I received 4 text messages of love and encouragement during my shift. 

I got in my car after work and lost it again. My tears blurred my eyes the whole way home. Again as I walked in, a roommate was there with her arms waiting for me. She said that the girls were waiting in my room. I walked in and saw pink roses, chocolate, sugar-free ice cream (They know!!), and Luke (my friend from down the street) had brought over the candle he had bought from my work (Bath and body works) with the sweetest letter. They even made my bed for me with clean sheets! 

Then about 9 of us met up with some friends of mine for pizza. The whole time I was overwhelmed with so much love and support I couldn’t even handle it all. We got back home and they prayed, prophesied, loved, laughed, held, and encouraged. Guys, I have never had such amazing friends. These people are like angels from heaven. They have been endlessly patient with me through my multiple break downs. The words they have spoken to me will forever make my spirit soar. 

 

Here I am, broken and scared and simultaneously the most happy I have ever been. 

How is it that the God of the universe takes care to every detail of my heart and surrounds me with angels to remind me that God is still exactly who He said He was. Every tear I’ve shed, He has held in his palm. Every time I am at the brink of insanity, He brings me a ray of hope. That maybe I can do this. Maybe through all the storms, the clouds will part again and I will be whole once more. 

 

I know this to be true. And when I forget, I have my angels.